Me — Long-term Consequences?

Of everything that’s happened lately, most of it has calmed down. Beginning the second novelette and running two D&D campaigns certainly doesn’t help, but as far as school goes, I’ll be done in a month’s time. I have two more essays, two more exams, and one more book to read. I wouldn’t say I’ve finished crossing this bridge yet, but I can tell I’m nearing the end of it. It’s not swinging as much as it used to.

But I’ve noticed that I’m not quite the same person anymore. I don’t know if it’s the fact that things are still happening and I need to give it some more time, or if I’ve really changed. It’s difficult to tell when your mood is the biggest factor that’s different.

First, I just don’t like dealing with people anymore. I used to say that a lot, but now when I mean people, I mean everyone, including family. I don’t really want to play games with people, I don’t want to go and hang out with them, or anything, really. That’s not to say I’ve become extremely reclusive, but I’ve become even less of an initiator than I already was. Also, even when I do spend time with other people, I don’t want to spend any effort talking. All-in-all this equates to me playing Stardew Valley, Hearthstone, or Overwatch (by myself). Stardew Valley when I really want to be alone.

Second, and this is the one I can’t really explain, I’m far more emotional than I’ve been in the past. I’m a very logical person. When a character dies in the movie I think of the plot devices and the effects on the characters and the storytelling aspects of it, not how I felt about that character dying. But now things are different. Now even little things make me almost physically sad, and its weird because I’m not used to being emotionally affected by anything at all. Recently I can make myself sad thinking about my own character deaths for characters I have literally never appeared in anything I’ve written. What the heck?

I hope that in the long run the second part proves to be temporary. As arguably beneficial it may be, it makes me a bit uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do with that new change.

The weirdest paradox to all of this is the novelette. It certainly adds stress to my life, because I take the story very seriously. I’m not only trying to keep it canon, but I’m forging my own content that will have to remain canon when I eventually go to the “present” where most of my characters and plot are. But as soon as I finish that week’s part of the story, I cannot stop thinking about it. The next few days are filled with pride for adding content to the Nacre Then universe. Stuff that I can show people at a professional level (if I was looking to do that right now). It may be unedited, just like everything else I’ve written, but it’s a story nonetheless. I have to work on all aspects of my writing career. I can save the editing for an older, more mature me that (hopefully) has his life more stabilized than this current one. I think we all know that’s overly optimistic, but hey.

One thought on “Me — Long-term Consequences?

  1. Life is weird. You learn something and it changes you. Or you just reflect on yourself and it changes you (now that’d be an interesting feedback loop if it repeated forever).

    I personally went through a lot of change in my early to mid 20s. Starting from awful to less awful to not so bad to pretty good, over the course of what, 5-7 years? So a perfect score. See? Look how positive those bad times turned out to be!

    Liked by 1 person

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