Me — Little, Panicky Things

One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is the sense of weary neglect you get when you’ve been super busy and all you want to do is relax or sleep, but you have something big needs doing first. It’s a perpetuating cycle, and I think it contributes to a lot of procrastination. You’re super tired so the last thing you want to do is continue working, so you don’t. Then suddenly you have no time at all left to do that thing and you panic to do a barely adequate job.

I’m feeling that a lot right now. I don’t typically procrastinate. I don’t keep my plate clean, so to speak, but I don’t wait till the last minute, either. I know what procrastination is like, of course. During high school you have so much time you just keep putting it off until that isn’t an option. That hasn’t been the case with me lately. I’ve had big things that need doing, but I have small things that are more urgent all the time. I’ve been out doing something nearly every waking moment this past week (not necessarily “job” stuff, but things that nonetheless needed doing), so it’s really difficult to think “Now that I have time to sit down and write that essay, I should get to it.” Instead, my mind says “Oh, goodness, breathing room? Sit down. Take a breath. Listen to some chill music and probably take a nap. You’ve earned it.”

I’m not super stressed, which I think is the strangest takeaway from this experience. I’ve had no free time, but I’m just tired. The worst part is, this particular instance isn’t even a huge deal. It’s not a twenty minute presentation due next week, it’s a stupid six page essay. I write half that every single day for crying out loud. I know if I really sat down and put my mind to it it probably wouldn’t take me three hours. But it’s hard to want to devote myself to it. I just can’t get my mind to flip that switch and turn on “Work” mode when I’m already so overextended.

Things like this confirm my theory that I’m due for some sort of big change. Lately really small things have been setting me into an irritable mood. The inflection in somebody’s voice might piss me off, which works me up for the next hour, even if they didn’t mean anything by it. If small and stupid things like this are working me up, it means something bigger is really going on, and its no secret: I simply have too much on my plate. The problem is that all of them are high priorities. I can’t put down school, improv, or writing. The one least attached to who I am as a person is school, and I’m literally invested in taking classes full time for the two semesters. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this! I need to relax but nothing is relaxing anymore. Even relaxing is stressful because it means I’m putting off something important!

I guess I am a little stressed. This post wasn’t meant to transition into panic as much as it did. Carry on. Nothing to see here.

2 thoughts on “Me — Little, Panicky Things

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