I apologize if this post is sort of scatterbrained. I wrote it over three very short writing sessions over two days. Not my best work, but real feels! Unfortunately, though, this is more or less a pointless rant. Writing a five hundred word blog post a day nonstop is taxing. They can’t all me good reads. Heck this one isn’t even worth most people’s attention. See you tomorrow.
Alright. I’m going to open myself up more than I normally do. Even with most ‘Me’ posts I don’t talk about my inner self and how I feel. I’m not really an emotional person in general, so I figure that generally makes for some boring posts. Heck I had to explain to a friend yesterday that when I said something was ‘alright’, it was a compliment. I’m simply disconnected from the general populace on an emotional level, and that is something I tend to enjoy, but it also has some drawbacks. Most notable of which is the fact that just because I’m not super passionate about things, doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions, it just means they don’t connect well with others’. So, since this has been on my mind lately, I think it makes for a relevant post.
I don’t ‘bond’ with people. I could count on one hand the number of people I’ve met in my life whom I’ve really felt a strong connection with at any point. I can make friends, sure, but that bond I’m talking about is when you find somebody you really connect with. Somebody you don’t have to put on any masks for. Most people say they hate when others change personalities based on who we are around, but we all do it, just to lesser degrees. What I’m talking about may not even be that special. Maybe we all only meet a handful of people we really bond with that closely.
The point I’m trying to make is that when you find those people, you stay with them. The only reason I stop talking to people who I bond with like that is because people change and that bond loosens. This is a problem I’ve been dealing with lately because for the first time I’ve started to fall for somebody I’ve bonded with. Most recently this has equated to me trying desperately to either smother my feelings or trying desperately to provide enough feelings for two people between the both of us. Naturally, neither of these options actually accomplish anything.
So I’m a little scared. I’ve decided to broadcast how I feel, because keeping it secret isn’t good, but at the same time I’ve already started to accept the fact that I’m going to get rejected, to the point where I consider it more a matter of providing information rather than trying to change the current relationship.
Mostly, I want somebody to talk to and have them support me and my stuff. I want encouragement and all that, but I don’t want to meet any new people. I’ve made exactly zero friends in college, and I like it that way, but if I want to change things I need to extend myself. Essentially I’m in a lose-lose scenario. I want things to be better without leaving my comfort zone, I suppose. Of course that’s a luxury I can’t pretend would be deserved.
Also, I understand that if you go looking for love you’re never going to find it, but I’m already secure with who I am as a person. I’m writing every day and I’m doing well in school. I ‘love myself’, and I’ve overcome my depression, so what now? I feel as though at this point all I need now is validation, so what better time to find someone?
Not unrelated to this, I hate how basically all the problems in my life will supposedly solve themselves when I get older. “I’m eighteen, I have all the time in the world to fall in love.” “I’m eighteen, I don’t have to worry about being a published author for another decade!” “I’m eighteen, I don’t need to feel guilty at not having a job while living with my parents.” Yes, yes, yes. My age is a real argument for all of the most stressful things I’m dealing with right now, but that doesn’t make my problems evaporate. Just because I realistically know I’m not a failure for not having a job and paying rent doesn’t make me still feel like one sometimes.
I think that those things are all augmented by all the stuff that’s going on in my life right now. A bunch of games were just released, school is around the corner, my improv troupe needs to have administrative stuff handled ASAP, I’m trying to collaborate with a friend on some work, I’m trying to write longer works of fiction, and of course all of this naturally has to happen simultaneously. This is the most logical time to add the stress of being single and lonely to the mix. I’m already building a mountain, what’s a few more feet, right?
You know what’s funny? I’m not even looking for advice right now. Most of all I accept that these things seem like bigger issues than they are simply because I’m handling a lot of them at once. In a month or two, if all goes well everything will all be back to smooth sailing and I’ll find my ‘chill’ again. For the time being though, deep breaths.