So, I don’t think I’ve mentioned on the blog yet, but I’m hosting a ‘murder mystery’ party with my improv troupe. I thought it would be a fun way to really get into the characters, but the hardest part about that idea is that I’ve never even been to a murder mystery party. I’ve had to do lots of research, and even then I’m pretty much guessing on a lot of things.

The biggest hurdle is that the way I wanted to do this is using characters that everyone has already been, not using a “planned” story. It means I have to come up with one big story to tell that all fits and ties the characters together while keeping them separate at the same time. I’m not picking roles for something already established and reading the rules, I have to craft my own tale applying the pieces of the story I already have and making them form a bigger picture.

I’m scared to death that this won’t turn out at all the way I want to. I’ve patterned it so that everybody at the party will be lying for some reason or another, but I don’t know what will really happen. Maybe the lies I gave people will be too easy to figure out, or maybe the murderer will be too hard to really guess, I don’t know.

Another thing I’m scared for is the fact that my personal character doesn’t have a whole lot of depth. I’m afraid I’ll be asked questions I don’t really know the answer to, and being in a leadership position I cannot be bad at something. I need to be the best at everything. I know that’s a little unreasonable to require that, but its the way I’ve always been. It’s not enough to be good, I have to be the best at everything, or in the very least as good as everybody else I know. It’s frustrating getting somewhere were somebody is ridiculously better, but I guess that’s something a lot of people have to deal with that I am fortunate enough not to.

I’ve mentioned before that I have an almost crippling fear of failure. That’s the main driving force behind my procrastination. Most people procrastinate because they are lazy, but when I do it its because I’m afraid I’m not ready. Sometimes, though, I just have to ignore it. Failure is unavoidable, and I know that this party will have some failures in it, most of them probably because of me. But I can’t know exactly what will go wrong, so I’ll just have to hope that its not too bad.

Plus, I view this as a learning experience. I think this will be a fun annual thing that the improv troupe can look forward to (maybe even twice a year), but I’m also scared that whatever I mess up will mean that people won’t want to do it next time. At the same time, though, since everybody’s friends, I know its practically guaranteed to be an enjoyable event. I’ll just have to accept the fact that my standards are impossibly high because I am not perfect, regardless of how upset that makes me.