One reason I grew up to be a little narcissistic (I admit I still am, to an extent) is that I was born extremely lucky. I’ve been really good at pretty much everything I tried to do. I’d say rather humbly that I perform above average in most things. There are some things I’m bad at, of course. Ironically I’d say that one of the the things I’m worst at is writing, the career I want to get into.

But being good at everything has naturally shaped a lot of my personality. I really don’t like it when the best that I can be isn’t good enough. I feel that if I try hard enough at something, it shouldn’t matter what it is. I should simply succeed. If I knit ten hours every day, I feel as though I am entitled towards being the best at it. Anyone that works harder than me is allowed to be better, of course, but I feel that input should ideally equal output.

I know this is hypocritical of me, because I can be good at things without trying. I can only imagine how frustrating it is when I tell people I didn’t study for a math test I aced when they got a ‘C’ after studying for hours. (That’s part of the reason I don’t tell people things like that unless they ask.) It’s not fair, I know. I personally hate when people are better than me at things when I try so much harder to be good.

For example, I look up guides for Overwatch. I try to learn the ins and outs of how to best utilize the characters I’m playing so that I can be better than everyone else. I try to gather up as much information about the game and the strategies in it as I can so that I will be the best. But, of course, I know I can’t be. In fact, I haven’t even seen noticeable improvement in myself. It’s a bit disheartening, but I think that what I really want is for equality. I want me and my friends to all have the same amount of skill in everything that we do, so that everything is the same. I would rather everybody I meet to be exactly as good at Super Smash Bros. as I am, so that way I can try my best without feeling like there is too much of a skill gap either way.

In short, I would rather lose a long game in which both participants are equally matched than win a game against somebody far less skilled than I am. What is the challenge in beating somebody ‘weaker’ than I am? At the same time, I don’t want to dishearten them. If I am playing a competitive game where my friend is worse than me, I still want to make sure they have fun, because if they don’t have fun, they will naturally stop playing, and I’ll have to get used to not playing with that friend. On top of that, some games are only fun with friends, so if it is one of those games, then I might have to stop playing because the only person I played with doesn’t like it.

So to balance this all out, I think what I want is to be as good as everybody else, regardless of how much effort it takes to get there. I could be wrong in that assessment of my personality, but as far as I know I’d say skill can only make you have so much fun.